Vampires Suck

Vampires Suck


Becca Crane (Jenn Proske) moves to Sporks to live with her clueless father, Sheriff Frank (Diedrich Bader), after her mother starts an affair with Tiger Woods. Meanwhile, a killing spree targeting random locals is attributed to the Canadians, but the real perpetrators are a group of vampires usually mistaken for the Black Eyed Peas. Becca quickly befriends many students at her new high school, including Jennifer (Anneliese van der Pol). She is also intrigued by the mysterious and aloof Edward Sullen (Matt Lanter), who perplexes her during their time in the biology class, due his odd behavior.

Later, when Becca is nearly struck by a van in the school parking lot, Edward stops the vehicle by thrusting another student in the van's way. Becca later "dreams" Edward was on her room; in truth, he is but is repulsed by things she does sleeping. After much research and thought, Becca confronts Edward and tells him she thinks that he's a Jonas Brother. Edward corrects her, saying he is a vampire but that he only consumes animal blood. Despite the danger of being around a vampire, Becca agrees to go to prom with Edward. Later, Becca and Edward kiss passionately in her room; Becca attempts to seduce Edward into having sex, but he abstains.

On Becca's birthday, Edward introduces Becca to his vampire family. While unwrapping a gift, Becca gets a paper cut; Edward's brother Jeremiah attempts to bite her, but is knocked away. To keep his family away from Becca, Ed distracts them and takes her out to the woods. He then proceeds to break up with Becca, who throws a tantrum after he leaves. Much to her expectance, Becca is attacked by three nomadic vampires, but Edward intervenes and saves her.

Edward's departure leaves Becca heartbroken for months, but she is comforted by her deepening friendship with her childhood friend Jacob White (Christopher N. Riggi). When Becca is accosted in the woods by the nomadic vampires again, Jacob transforms into a Chihuahua as his werewolf pack arrives to save her. Meanwhile, Edward has moved to Rio and is now dating Lady Gaga to get over losing Becca. He is later informed by his sister Isis, via her gift of prophecy, that Becca killed herself. Edward becomes depressed and decides to provoke the "Zolturi", a powerful and narcissistic vampire coven, into killing him by exposing himself in the sunlight in front of humans, thus exposing the existence of vampires. Isis has another vision of Becca's survival as he leaves, but she is unable to warn him.

Isis arrives at Becca's house, and tells her she has to save Edward by showing him she is still alive. To Becca's shock, the Zolturi are currently partying at the prom due to the St. Savadore theme. Jacob appears and demands that Becca choose between him and Edward, but just before she announces her decision, he is distracted by a cat and runs off to chase it. Upon arriving at the prom, Becca is caught between the warring factions of Edward fangirls and Jacob fangirls. She is unable to reach Edward before he exposes himself, figuratively and literally. However, twilight occurs, followed by a new moon and an eclipse, concealing Edward's vampiric nature as Becca gets him to safety. Frank arrives to check on Becca, making her hopeful; however, he thinks supernatural creatures are the prom theme and leaves. After a fight between him and the Zolturi leader, Daro (Ken Jeong), Edward is forced to turn Becca into a vampire or he will be killed horribly. He agrees to do so only on the condition that she marry him, which she accepts.

The film concludes with Edward being struck in the head by the Jacob fangirls' leader. Edward survives the blow, and the girl is attacked by the newly vampirized Becca.

Vampires Suck

Vampires Suck

Critical reception

The film has an approval rating of 4% on Rotten Tomatoes. The consensus reads: "Witlessly broad and utterly devoid of laughs, Vampires Suck represents a slight step forward for the Friedberg-Seltzer team." Another review aggregator, Metacritic, calculated an average score of 18/100 based on 17 critics, meaning "overwhelming dislike", the worst score for a wide release in 2010.

Spill.com, whose video reviews are usually around five minutes long and censored, had a twenty-second review which consisted of Korey Coleman staring blankly into the camera before uttering, "Fuck you" (which is the lowest rating the website gives) uncensored. In the audio commentary from the site, Coleman stated, "The films that these two directors make are so blatant at being nothing more than a juvenile finger pointing at an image or mention of a popular trend that, to me, they seem exploitive of a young culture raised to have an ever-decreasing attention span, thanks to the Internet and channel surfing and, this may sound a little crazy, but, I think it shows a slight de-evolution in what people will accept as entertainment." Peter Travers of Rolling Stone gave the film zero out of four stars, and wrote a four word-long review, which simply stated: "This movie sucks more." Film critic Mark Kermode reviewed the film on his Radio 5 show, prefacing the review by saying "It's no surprise to know that it's all terrible, witless, boring, terror". He criticized the film for what he perceived as stale subject matter, saying that the Twilight franchise had left the public consciousness and was no-longer fit for parody, "It's not just that the ship has sailed; it's that the ship has sailed, gone across the Atlantic, hit an iceberg, sunk, been dragged up by at least one company, been turned into the biggest movie hit ever, and is now currently being retrofitted for 3D for an anniversary re-release."

Another review from Collider's Jake Horowitz said that "not a single thing in its dreadful 82 minutes running time is even remotely worth watching, or considered even slightly entertaining." He then wrote that "no amount of review can make up for what I witnessed while watching Vampires Suck. How wrong I was to assume that it was even watchable, because with each over-done hit on the head or kick in the balls I cringed at the thought of this movie making nearly $80 million worldwide; and imagining people actually laughing in a theatre somewhere."

Despite the overwhelming negativity, Jenn Proske's mimicry performance based on Kristen Stewart received some praise; Steve Persall of Tampa Bay Times stated, "One thing the movie roasts to perfection is Kristen Stewart's overly pensive Bella... A newcomer named Jenn Proske has the mumbling, hair-twisting, lip-biting tics down pat, and her expressions of repressed sexuality are almost as funny as Stewart's." Entertainment Weekly said, "The exception is newcomer Jenn Proske, who spoofs Twilight star Kristen Stewart's flustered, hair-tugging angst with hilarious precision."

Vampires Suck was given four nominations from the Golden Raspberry Awards, including Worst Picture, Worst Director, Worst Screenplay and Worst Prequel, Remake, Rip-Off or Sequel.

Box office

In the United States, the film opened at number one on August 18 with $4,016,858. On August 19, the film dropped to #3 behind The Expendables and Eat Pray Love with $2,347,044. By the weekend, Vampires Suck landed at #2 behind The Expendables and $200,000 over Eat Pray Love. The full second week the film dropped to #11, grossing no more than $500 per theater, respectively. In its second weekend, the film dropped more than 50% from its opening weekend but rose to #6. As of July 12, 2012, the film has grossed $80,547,866 worldwide.

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